It’s two in the morning, the house is dark, and a small voice is calling from down the landing. Almost every parent knows that sound, and almost every parent has stood outside a bedroom door wondering what will help this time. The good news is that most night wakings are ordinary, and most of them pass. The calmer and duller the night feels, the sooner everyone is back asleep.
Why children wake at all
Everyone wakes a little in the night, grown-ups included. We turn over, pull up the duvet and drift off without ever knowing it happened. Children do the same, but sometimes they come up a little further, notice that something has changed, and call for help.
Often it’s something small. The landing light that was on at bedtime is off. The teddy has fallen out of bed. They’re too warm, or too cold, or they need a wee. Sometimes it’s a dream, a growth spurt, a cold coming on or a busy week at school. And sometimes there’s no reason you’ll ever find.
None of this means bedtime has gone wrong. It means you have a child who is growing, and who knows where to find you.
Keep the night dull
The most useful thing you can do at 2am is be a little boring. Night time works best when it feels nothing like daytime: low light, quiet voices, very few words.
Go to them calmly, keep the big light off, and speak softly and slowly. Deal with whatever needs dealing with, a drink of water, a trip to the loo, a teddy found and tucked back in, and then say the same short goodnight you said at bedtime. A few familiar words carry a lot of weight in the dark.
Try not to start a conversation, however sweet they are. Chatting, screens, snacks and big bright rooms all tell a sleepy brain that the day has started again.
When it’s a bad dream
A child who wakes from a bad dream may be properly frightened, and the dream can feel very real for a minute or two. They need you close, not a talk about how dreams work.
Sit with them, hold a hand, and keep it simple: “You had a dream. You’re safe. I’m here.” You don’t need to hear every detail of it in the night. If they want to tell you about it, the morning, over breakfast with the curtains open, is usually a much better time.
Some children like to “put the dream away” before lying back down: turning the pillow over, or picturing the dream floating off like a balloon. Small rituals like these give a child something to do with the feeling, which can help more than words.
Night terrors are different. A child may seem awake, with their eyes open, but they don’t know you’re there and won’t remember it in the morning. They usually pass on their own. Stay close, keep them safe, and don’t try to wake them. If they happen often, or you’re worried, have a chat with your GP, doctor or health visitor.
Helping them settle back to sleep
Once the reason for waking is sorted, the aim is to help them settle without settling them completely yourself. That might mean sitting by the bed for a minute, then a little nearer the door, then on the landing. Over a few nights, most children learn that they can drift off again on their own, and that you’re never far away.
A familiar sound can help too. Some families keep a short, quiet story or a goodnight message for the middle of the night, played very low, so the child has something calm to listen to while they drift off. Choose something they know well rather than something exciting and new; at night, familiar beats interesting every time.
If your child comes into your bed and that suits your family, that’s fine. If it doesn’t, walk them back calmly, as many times as it takes, with as few words as possible. Neither choice is wrong. What helps most is doing the same thing each time.
Looking after yourself
Broken nights are hard. They make the next day longer, your patience shorter and everything feel a little heavier than it is. If you’re finding them tough, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re tired.
Where you can, share the nights out. Take turns, or take the weekend lie-ins in shifts. Go to bed a little earlier on the evenings after a rough night, even if the washing-up waits. And try to let go of the idea that there’s a perfect way to handle every waking. A calm, good-enough response, repeated, is all most children need.
If the wakings go on for weeks, seem to be getting worse, or your child seems unwell, snores loudly or is very tired in the daytime, it’s worth talking to your GP, doctor or health visitor. They can help you work out what’s going on, and they hear about sleep every day.
Most of all, remember that this stage passes. One night soon you’ll wake at 7am, surprised that nobody called, and wonder when that happened. Until then, keep the nights dim, the words few, and be as gentle with yourself as you are with them.
Sweet dreams,The BellaBye teamWritten byThe BellaBye teamWe’re a family making bedtime stories for every child, read in the voices they love.
