A new baby changes everything in a house, and an older brother or sister feels it first. Visitors come to see someone else, the grown-ups are tired, and the evenings that used to be theirs are suddenly shared. Most children manage it beautifully in the end, with a few wobbles along the way. A little planning, and a lot of reassurance, can make those wobbles smaller.
Before the baby arrives
Children cope best with change they can see coming. Talk about the baby in simple, honest terms: where the baby will sleep, who will look after your older child while you’re away having the baby, and what the first few weeks might be like. Babies cry, sleep and feed a lot, and that’s worth saying out loud before it happens.
If you’re planning any big changes for your older child, like moving to a big bed or a new room, or starting nursery, try to make them a good while before the baby comes, or wait until things have settled. That way, the change doesn’t feel like it was made to make room for someone else.
Picture books and stories about becoming a big brother or sister are a gentle way in. They let a child try on the idea, ask questions, and find the words for how they feel, all from the comfort of your lap.
- A few weeks beforeRead stories about new babies, and talk about what will stay the same at bedtime.
- The days around the birthKeep their bedtime as normal as possible, whoever is putting them to bed.
- The first nights homeProtect a few minutes of one-to-one time, even if it’s very short.
- The weeks afterExpect a few wobbles, and keep the routine steady while everyone finds their feet.
Keep their bedtime theirs
When a new baby arrives, bedtime for the older child can easily get squeezed. Feeds run late, someone is pacing the landing with a crying baby, and story time shrinks to a quick kiss at the door.
Try to protect a small slice of it. It doesn’t have to be long. Ten minutes where one grown-up is fully theirs, with the same story time, the same goodnight and the same last words, tells a child that they still matter, and that some things haven’t changed at all.
If you can, share the evenings between the grown-ups so one of you is with the baby while the other is with your older child. Grandparents and friends who offer to help can be wonderful here too. Often the most useful thing they can do isn’t holding the baby, it’s reading to the big sister.
“A family doesn’t run out of love. It just makes a little more room.”
Give them a part to play
Children love to be useful, and a small job can turn the baby from a rival into a shared project. They might fetch a clean nappy, choose the baby’s sleepsuit, or sing the baby a song. Make a fuss of their help, but never make it a duty they can’t say no to.
At bedtime, some older children like to say goodnight to the baby as part of their own routine. Others would rather the baby wasn’t mentioned at all. Both are fine. Follow their lead.
When feelings come out sideways
Even the most loving big brother or sister will have mixed feelings. They might be thrilled one minute and furious the next, ask to “send the baby back”, or suddenly want a bottle, a dummy or to be carried everywhere. Some children who were sleeping well start waking in the night, or need you to stay longer at bedtime.
This is normal, and it usually passes. Try not to scold them for it. Instead, name the feeling: “It’s hard sharing Mummy sometimes, isn’t it?” and give them a cuddle. A child who is allowed to feel cross about the baby tends to feel less cross about the baby.
If the sleep changes last a long time, or you’re worried about how your older child is coping, your health visitor or GP is there to help.
Stories that remind them what stays the same
The most comforting stories at this time aren’t about how wonderful the baby is. They’re about the older child: that they’re loved, that they matter, and that there’s room for everyone. A story where the big brother or sister is the hero, the one who knows where everything is and helps the baby feel at home, can be a quiet boost to their confidence.
Hearing it in a familiar voice helps too. If you’re busy with the baby, a story read in your voice, or Grandma’s, means bedtime still sounds like home.
In a few months, you may hear your older child telling the baby a story of their own, made up on the spot, with themselves as the hero. That’s when you’ll know they’ve found their place: not pushed aside, just moved up to the very important job of big brother or sister.
Sweet dreams,The BellaBye teamWritten byThe BellaBye teamWe’re a family making bedtime stories for every child, read in the voices they love.
